I walk slowly…

More silent than my shadow, I pass through the loftily covetous multitude.
They are indispensable, singular, worthy of tomorrow.
My name is someone and anyone.
I walk slowly, like one who comes from so far away he doesn’t expect to arrive.

Jorge Luis Borges

If I had to put my most internal state of mind into words, I couldn’t choose better lines. This morning, I opened Anita Desai’s book The Inheritance of Loss and came across this poem Boast of Quietness by Borges, prefacing the novel. It has been several hours since then, and I haven’t been able to move to the next page.

The past few days have been an amalgam of events, emotions, emotional wrecks and peaks, and journeys. I first travelled from Karachi, Pakistan to Dubai, UAE. Then from Dubai to Abu Dhabi, where I am now, for several days to come. And after a few days, I will be embarking most probably on the biggest journey of my life with my fiance, Hamid, who will then be my husband.

Dubai, I never could have imagined I would one day settle into your busy arms.
Karachi, I couldn’t in my wildest dreams have imagined myself leaving your homely arms.

As exciting as this journey seems to be and inshaAllah will be, a part of me cannot accept having left my family. Maybe it never will. I’m told I shouldn’t look at this as a farewell, rather just a short interval. However, I know it is not just a short interval. At the moment, I’m not missing my country, or my city, or the house I used to live in. I only miss the friends and family I had to leave. My children, most of all. And by that I mean my nieces and nephews. They are and have been my life, so far. It’s difficult seeing them on screen and not being able to hug them. And it’s difficult for them, I know. And my siblings and my bhabhis and my closest friends. I didn’t want this to be an apology, but I suppose I do owe you one.

And then to cheer myself up, I think of the adventure up ahead. Please don’t mistake me for an immature girl hoping for rainbows and unicorns in her marriage, but I still am very excited for what I like to call a never-ending adventure. And of course, like all adventures, this one will have its ups and downs as well. And inshaAllah, we’ll maneuver through them all, together.

I haven’t written anything in the longest time, but I just had to write this post. More for my own benefit than anyone else’s. Again to quote the fore-quoted poem by Borges, Sure of my life and my death, I observe the ambitious and would like to understand them.