I wonder, I wander

And then, I wasn’t there anymore. I don’t know. I might have been floating in the sky somewhere above Morocco, or I could be resting on the clouds above the Jamia Masid of New Delhi, I might have been sitting right beside this form of me, but I wasn’t here, this wasn’t me. So I began acting like someone who’s not really here, absently doing things, answering queries unconcernedly. I’m not even here so why bother. Except, to other people, I was here, this was me, and I should have acted like myself. How could I, when this wasn’t me, really? How do I act like myself? Act is what we do, in reality. “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players”, as the bard puts it so eloquently. So here I was, worrying about how I should act when instead, I should have been worrying about where I am, if not here…

Where am I? Morocco, New Delhi, Karachi saahil, my own home, or have I passed away entirely? Is that why I cannot function the way I am supposed to? This “supposed to” creates a myriad of problems for me. I have this stubborn, twisted muscle which makes me want to defy every “supposed to”. And when I do that, I end up defying all accepted forms of being. And then…. well, then I end up existing everywhere but here. What does it mean to not exist? Does it mean being dead in all senses of death? Does it mean being dead in the heart? Does it mean being wiped off the face of this Earth? Or does it mean doing things not apropos to world?

I’m wandering off-topic. But then, there is no topic. I’m not here. Only this world requires  a topic and a label on everything. I’m not here. I need no topic. But I do wonder where I am, and who this “I” is that I keep on referring to. I do wonder.

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12 thoughts on “I wonder, I wander

  1. Some great questions there Moniba. Some that I’ve asked myself and others I probably should have.

    I don’t know what’s happening in your life but recently your writings keep reminding me of my own spiritual crisis. Something that’s very easy to characterise as a mental health crisis that needs to be ‘cured’ when really it needs to be worked through.

    When my ego was on the verge of dying it was pretty hard to not think it was me who was dying. I got obsessed with death while hiding from myself that I was getting more and more scared of it.

    Neither you nor the world needs any topic, any label or any justification. You are every bit as holy as Jamia Masjid and everything else in creation. To ask ‘why’ is really a kind of blasphemy that brings its own punishment with it. The only answer to ‘why’ is another ‘why’. It’s a kind of purgatory that takes you further and further from the truth.

    You don’t need an answer Moniba. You’re not a question.

    • “You don’t need an answer Moniba. You’re not a question.”
      Well said! You’re right. The answer to Why is another Why. It doesn’t stop us from asking, though, such is the human nature.
      I’m not thinking of this as a mental health crisis, just something that needs to be worked through, yes. Tangled thoughts, pending demands, mood swings. Sometimes, it’s good to just drift for a while, I think. These questions do need satisfaction, some way if not by answering.
      My writings recently are under influence of, of course, whatever is going on in my life. A spiritual crisis as well as another kind. Not a crisis, just…. something that needs to be worked through, again.

  2. Wow, I love your deep delving words…so many things I wonder often..I got lost in the depth of your words..It reminds me of my own confusing state…Which I hope both of us manage to get out of…I wish for both of us to find peace and content.

    Lots of love your way! 🙂

    • This state is often not even about these questions…:) It’s caused by other things. I hope you manage to work through it. Read cabrogal’s comment!
      Sending love your way too ❤

  3. Don’t you think Moniba when we are absent from ourselves, only then we are able to understand ourselves and the world better?
    Sometimes you just don’t want to know where you are, you just want to remember that you are not here.

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